The family wins out

Decision 99.99% made to not be in midwifery school this year - or for several years - in light of my boys being so young. I have to e-mail the director back tomorrow with my final decision but it's made... the deadline of tomorrow is just a finality. There are a few other options that I could do, and they were slightly tempting, but it would be 1/2 time of school, 1/2 time of family and I feel like I'd be half assing both - I'm more of an "all or nothing" personality so in that respect, I'd rather give my kids 100% and then give school as near 100% as is possible, in the future. I mean if I'm really making the decision to be with my kids than I probably should right?

However, Ms. Obsessive-About-Birth still has a lot of things birth-related on her plate and am happy to keep doing such things and serving the local midwife who was and is going to be my preceptor. She said she'll train me at the speed I can when I can and we'll just keep working at the needs for licensure in my state. When I get there, either I'll take the licensure exam or if I am ready for school and want/need to do that, I'll do that. Lots of ways to get to the end goal and lots of time (not even 30 yet...). I'm still a doula (and lately a busy one, though all births keep being for free - ugh, it'd be SO nice to get paid even $50!!), and I'm still going to volunteer a day a week in the birth community, and the rest of the time I'm Mommy-Julie and all my other hats I wear.

I'm not (repeating to myself), NOT going to busy myself to fill the place of my current life-speed, slow is okay and I'm happy to see my boys happier in the past 2 days than they have been for months (my husband too), I have to admit I am as well. So when the dark days hit, I'm going to look at my famiy and remember that no matter if anyone ever realizes I made a choice for them or not, I'm going to be grateful. How could I resent the children in my life? I don't ever want to choose that. They are not my accessory or prodigy, my chance to re-do life, they are my investment and their own person... I just want to give them the best start I can.

So decision made, new plan to fit together, speed to tame down and family to grow and enjoy... working on it one day at a time. It's so strange to halt a year and a half 100% plan... I feel like I need a life-map now or something.