At peace? What is that??

When I see people that are content or at peace in their lives I always am in a state of partial-awe. I'm partially wondering HOW do they do that? And then I wonder WHY do they do that? Am I the only person that feels somewhat addicted to the un-quiet? (Of course I can't stand it noisy either... it's a strange balance). Is it because so many things run around in my mind or that I have so many projects I want to accomplish, places I want to go, things I want to experience and never want to miss a minute of any of them?

I need Zen, yoga and green tea.

Right? Is the addiction to the un-quiet a negative thing?

I remember when I was awed the first time I went out with my ultra-religious friends who didn't drink or do drugs one summer evening during college, it was actually FUN - they knew how to have fun without those things. I know it's funny now but I was genuinely surprised. I kind of feel like that is what I need to experience in this sort of thing too... the quiet weekend, the calm days, and it will become addicting too in its own way.

My Dad took his first real vacation this past month (EVER) (and he is beyond retirement age), and it struck him like a bug, he can't seem to get enough... the switch went off and the click finally came (and my Mom says hallelujah!). I believe I get that part (in a much smaller measure) from my Dad the workaholic, the never-calm, quiet or peaceful one. I used to joke that if he was locked in a room by himself for a day he'd go insane, but it was true, and kind of sad. I don't want to be like that...

More yoga, more tea and bits of Zen when I can get them...
My peace will come, I'm working on moving more into my life.
Peace...

The family wins out

Decision 99.99% made to not be in midwifery school this year - or for several years - in light of my boys being so young. I have to e-mail the director back tomorrow with my final decision but it's made... the deadline of tomorrow is just a finality. There are a few other options that I could do, and they were slightly tempting, but it would be 1/2 time of school, 1/2 time of family and I feel like I'd be half assing both - I'm more of an "all or nothing" personality so in that respect, I'd rather give my kids 100% and then give school as near 100% as is possible, in the future. I mean if I'm really making the decision to be with my kids than I probably should right?

However, Ms. Obsessive-About-Birth still has a lot of things birth-related on her plate and am happy to keep doing such things and serving the local midwife who was and is going to be my preceptor. She said she'll train me at the speed I can when I can and we'll just keep working at the needs for licensure in my state. When I get there, either I'll take the licensure exam or if I am ready for school and want/need to do that, I'll do that. Lots of ways to get to the end goal and lots of time (not even 30 yet...). I'm still a doula (and lately a busy one, though all births keep being for free - ugh, it'd be SO nice to get paid even $50!!), and I'm still going to volunteer a day a week in the birth community, and the rest of the time I'm Mommy-Julie and all my other hats I wear.

I'm not (repeating to myself), NOT going to busy myself to fill the place of my current life-speed, slow is okay and I'm happy to see my boys happier in the past 2 days than they have been for months (my husband too), I have to admit I am as well. So when the dark days hit, I'm going to look at my famiy and remember that no matter if anyone ever realizes I made a choice for them or not, I'm going to be grateful. How could I resent the children in my life? I don't ever want to choose that. They are not my accessory or prodigy, my chance to re-do life, they are my investment and their own person... I just want to give them the best start I can.

So decision made, new plan to fit together, speed to tame down and family to grow and enjoy... working on it one day at a time. It's so strange to halt a year and a half 100% plan... I feel like I need a life-map now or something.

And the tide changes

You know how when you are young and have ideals for how you are going to live your life ("I'm never going to be a yuppie" "I won't give my kids clothes for Christmas") and then one day you realize you strayed from them? And then what do you do? Where do you go from there? How do you stop the forward motion, turn around and realize that maybe you aren't where you want to be? Then what? Do you stand there with the realization and say, "It'd be too hard to go back and change" or "I'm too far this direction already" or do you say, "I am going the wrong direction"?

The moment above came to visit this week... well, yesterday to be exact. I realized that when I started off being a Stay-at-home-Mom, I had the heart to be with my kids because I know that when they are little, there is no replacement for that. I also know that in the end, all things can pass away but my family is most important. I've said it a million times but I am not going to sacrifice my family for my dream... but walking that out when everything else is in place to accomplish my dream (well, almost) is awfully hard.

What I am left with is a decision to put school on hold so that my boys don't scream with anguish when I leave the house for an evening of study but rather (in a few years) say, "Bye Mom" without the melt downs. I'm left to decide if 3 years of school and 5 years of babies sooner is worth those same 8 years not focusing on my kids. In the end who is blessed or suffers the most? Who will it mean the most to? I'm making the decision to walk what I talk or to give lip service, to serve my family so that it serves me back, invest in my family and my future with more experience and solidity to back me up when I go deep into my schooling.

I haven't had to make such a reverberating choice in a long time, since I decided to not work but stay home a good 3+ years ago. I have connections with the birth community around my area and the licensed midwife who is a good friend and my group of doulas are all strenghts and outlets to my passion. I'm going to continue to be a doula, assist my midwife friend and possibly learn along the way, but I believe (though no final decision is made) that I am going to put my big dream on hold to invest in my family some more.

I said it when I was at my interview and I firmly believe it. It's not IF I'm going to be a midwife, but rather WHEN.

I pray that my children will find honor in my choice and that my family will be blessed. Sometimes being a Mom affects you from outside to core and one can never tell where the decisions will take you or what they will cost you - I had children because I wanted to be their Mom and love them.

Not an easy time.

Thick skin

Or rather that reverse to it. I suffer thin skin big time, when it comes to people evaluating what I do and love. I had an evaluation for being a doula recently for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) client that was from the Dad, and he gave me a 4 out of 5 for my suggestions being helpful for Dad (5's on all the rest). This is ONE point from perfect and I can't let it go. What did I do? How could I have done it different? Where did I step on toes or not help enough? It's all jumbled in there and I had a hard time going to sleep last night. How sad right? I definetly need to learn to take things without getting so upset about them, but I'm not sure HOW you learn how to do that??

Can I be perfect in this one area, birth? I really wish I could... I hate when I don't do it 'right'.

A new year, a fresh start

Today is my birthday (my sister and I's birthday) and we're 29. Seems like a good year to make a life transition... like it's a year shy of life-routine. It's interesting that I haven't been able to settle into something I wanted to do or be the rest of my life (other than wife, Mom, Christian, etc.) in terms of work or dream, but I've been able to have all things truly fall into place for it to be this year.

I'm shocked sometimes that a year ago I was just starting the journey to get things ready to apply... and here I am. It was difficult to start school again after being gone from it for so long, but it was refreshing too, I love to learn, and there was something so invigorating (sorry, it's a lame word, but it's true) about being back in college. I haven't loved the online classes as much as I did my real classes at the local college, but what do you do when they drop your registration from computer problems? You just have to get creative. Oh, and how I said in the past that I like semester classes because you can learn more because they're longer? Yeah, I take that back. I don't like that (unless it's an art class), they have been draggggging out I swear! I'm ready for things to be done and I have another 3.5 weeks of school left. I just need to hold out and have patience (laugh), my forte right?

As my birthday present, I'm not doing any homework of any shape or form today AND, both of my kids are still sleeping and it's almost 9:30!! My god, I am a blessed Mom today - what a treat! That's at least an hour and a half longer than normal! Of course we have places to go so I'm going to interrupt my blessing in a few minutes...

Well, here's to a wonderful year...

Books, books and yet more books coming out of my ears...

Wow, I love books and I love to read about birth and babies and midwifery - anything related (when I have time), but holy moly is there a lot of books to get. I spent an easy $348 without getting everything (I need to spend about $130 more to finish the last few). Woah... I think a very large investment is going to be in my already-started birth-library. I have a bookshelf but it's being taken up by my printer and scanner right now so it has another two shelves and it's a good thing. I never thought I'd own so many books on this topic...

There's a lot of cool titles I'm excited to read: Caring for our Future: Content of Prenatal Care sounds interesting, The Woman's Comfort Book: A Self-Nurturing Guide for Restoring Balance in Your Life. Too bad I didn't even know some of these existed when I was pg (though good for future chillins').

Anyways, the library-lover in me is quite excited for Overstock.com to show up at my doorstep with a truckload of books. Woohoo! Of course I won't have time to get through any of them for a while. Oh well, they'll look nice on the bookshelf in the meantime.

The dream starts...

The dream begins in September... I will officially enter the Seattle Midwifery School - and thus begin a 3.5 year labr to a midwifery dream. I don't know if it officially ever ends (the labor and birth process, of any dream) but in the eyes of the state, it starts Sept. 2005.

What do I expect? Wow, I expect a lot of things... a lot of things to change. It's going to be a whole new experience and if there is one thing I hate, it's taking that first test in a class, not knowing how the teacher relates what they taught with what they test, what is expected of you, how well you know the information, etc. Drives me nutty... and I feel like that right now. Am I strong enough? Can I make it through a year let alone 3+? Am I really made to be a midwife? Is my marriage going to make it? (Okay, teasing, of course it will... but I hope it is a smooth transition to me in full-time school). Can I just get one tiny peak at the future for a second to see if I make it, and well? No? Alright then... one day at a time.

In the meantime, lots of *stuff* to buy... books, supplies, some serious babysitting. Is sanity on sale? No? Damn. Well, as the future moves forward, it's my hope to keep writing and witness the labor and birth of my dream to midwifery.

Sept. 13th and counting down...