Labor of a Dream

The power of family

2007-01-23T14:21:00.000-08:00

My husband and I have been talking about finances, family and in general our base feelings about all of that. As we're wadding through what feels like a tangled garden we're realizing more and more that how our family thought about issues (the same ones we're talking about) is the reason WE think what we think! Almost like we were pre-programmed (that sounds alien-took-me-away-ish, but I don't mean it like that). It baffles me that my family could have that deep of an effect on me without realizing it - but that's kind of cool. I mean that must happen to other people too (from their parents) and if that's true, a parent could do that in a good way. I'm sure that's the reason for attachment parenting! And a good reminder.

I have to take advantage of nap time so I'll be back again later. ; )

Moving on in stages...

2007-01-07T14:11:00.000-08:00

It's very strange to move on from one season of life to another but recently my husband and I have been talking about quite seriously being done with having children and moving on past that part of our lifetime. It's so strange to consider that we may NEVER had any more children - as a choice! I feel like as every section of life goes by (childhood, young-adulthood, single-hood, etc.) that I'm kind of just along for the ride and it's felt almost like I'm not choosing. Now, making a concious choice, it's different and I feel... old. Old-er. We're talking about our family being complete, school options for the bigger boys, long-term occupations, etc. It's just weird!

I turned 30 this year, my husband started his own business, we had our third baby, moved, bought a VAN (that's proof of getting older right?) and in general started a new season of life. It's going to take some getting used to I think... sort of like how I'm sure it feels when your kids move out, start their lives individually.

Anyways, things at home are their crazy-speed-self, my doula and midwife-assistant work is still on hold for a while but I attended a VBAC birth for a set of friends we have just this past month (and it was powerful) - it was like the "fix" I needed to be able to continue to be in a 'break' for the rest of a year.

Our little one is turning 5 months on the 18th (OH MY GOSH!!) and I can't believe we're closing in on starting the second half of the first year - so much has changed and he is growing oh so fast. Our middle son has his third birthday at the end of this month and everyone is growing so much! He wasn't able to flip a light switch on in our house when we first moved here in August, but now he can not only switch them all on, but off as well, and barely standing on his tip toes... he's getting so obviously tall! He wears 4T pants (heck, our 4.5 year old wears 5T just fine, and probably needs them to be a bit bigger but he's so skinny in the waist we can't do that very often). Our family is just continuing to grow up.

Baby crying, better go.

And here we are at almost 3 months old!!

2006-11-12T16:32:00.000-08:00

Hmmm - can we call this "Calgon Take Me Away!!"?

2006-09-18T15:07:00.000-07:00

Ah yes... food allergies, food intolerances, skin problems (rashes?), dairy free diets, colonoscopy, upper GI testing, balding, occult blood in the poop, thrush, pediatric appointments, gastroenterologist appointments, chiropractic appointments, medications GALORE and too many freaking problems and issues to deal with!!!

Poor sweet baby is sick still - no light at the end of the tunnel still and I have been diary free for almost 2.5 weeks. He has a rash or skin issue all over his face, neck and part of his scalp and chest. I can't figure out why THAT is going on but we think perhaps a reaction to his medications. Bah! We've got occult (not visible, but testable) blood in his stools - it stains his diapers, and is a sign of at least intestinal/stomach problems at the minimum. He screams for hours at odd times of the day, randomly. He has thrush (and so do I) bad enough that I have a yeast infection in my milk ducts.

Weird eating, medications coming out of my eyeballs and screaming baby - it is just too much and I'm just... up to "here" with it all. :sigh: I have to have some light here soon... or truly this will probalby be our last little Bean - because this seems to be an issue I have with each little one and I feel like I almost get FURTHER from a solution rather than closer, with each one. I'm pretty sure it's a milk-making issue my body has rather than them. :sigh: :sigh: :sigh:

Sorry this is depressing... we just need to get some good news soon.

The struggle with learning to be a Mom with a newborn... again

2006-08-31T14:55:00.000-07:00

No sleep. Foggy head. Aching boobs (sorry, they are). Concerns with tummy troubles and planning my day in 2 hour chunks - it's what it's all about right? Seems to be!

I took Graysen to the chiropractor twice now to see if we could help his tummy troubles (since the medicine for both reflux and IBS stuff has only marginally helped) and what do you know - it did it. I am shocked, and relieved and... blessed. No more screaming at the top of the lungs in pain - now just with diaper changes (and I'm okay with that). Still fussing with burping, but not absolute screaming. WHAT A RELIEF.

Third baby with these symptoms, medicines and troubles - how I got shot with that arrow three times running I'll *never* know, but oh well... such is life. At least I know to do something for him and not wait. On that note though, his pediatricians couldn't be more useless if they tried. The lactation consultant was more helpful re: what was going on than they were!! The world (well, America) is just not used to breastfed babies and their suggestions to help the breastfed baby suck.

SO, Graysen and I are marching along in our nursing relationship with a chunky man on one end, and a tired Mom on the other - but I love feeding my kiddos and watching them grow and be healthy and happy. I wouldn't change it though I WOULD like a chunk of sleep longer than 2.5 hours... but maybe soon? I seem to remember 5w is the magic number. We shall see.

Tired head included, we are doing well.

New Baby Love!

2006-08-26T17:00:00.000-07:00

Our newest baby love was born Aug. 18th - at home, totally unassisted (with my Honey) and powerfully, restoratively into our arms. Shockingly it was a BOY (ack! I am soooo outnumbered!) and was a beautiful whopping 9lb 12oz.

Here is our very long birth story for those who love them like I do. : )
It ended up being a perfect (though an overwhelming at times) experience for sure, I was just along for the ride.

On Wed.. and Thurs. nights I didn't sleep very well and while that's pretty normal, it was because I was feeling contractions and cramping and I slept fitfully most of the night. When I woke up on Thurs. instead of the night stuff going away I kept getting the strong Braxton Hicks - but they were sometimes every hour or what not... they didn't even get me to look at the clock once all day. I took a shower in the afternoon and checked myself just for kicks and for the first time my cervix was posterior, and I could tell it was dilated much more than before. Maybe 4cm? I have no idea, but that was my best guess.

After we had dinner and put the boys down I called our doula just because I thought I should give her a heads up in case we went into labor that night... or maybe Sat. I had a feeling it would be soon and since I knew she had to do something with her daughter I wanted to give her some time to figure that out and give her "on call" people a heads up just in case. I hung up around 9:15 and in the course of our 30 min. conversation maybe had two strong BH's - but I was sitting and figured that's why.

We got ready for bed and went downstairs (I made my husband get off the computer b/c I told him that if labor got going in a few hours and he had no sleep and worked all day and had to stay awake with me the next day - he'd be crabby). We thought we'd have sex and see if that maybe helped things along while we were sleeping. About 5 min. later I had a MONSTER contraction... it lasted 4 minutes straight and I had to walk and walk to get through it - breathing really loud. I was shocked and kind of looked at my husband with wide eyes. Yikes! I told him maybe no sex after all. We laid down to go to sleep and 2 min. later another contraction (but this one only 45 sec.), again, I had to walk and breathe to get through it. We started setting up our labor stuff and I took some Gelsimium and Sepia... but we held off on filling the pool. It was 10:30pm.

It took about an hour for us to get all the things set up and figured out in the room so that it was 'ready' totally... in the meantime I'd have to pace and breathe (fast and loud) through each contraction and they were getting closer together... now maybe 1.5 min. apart and a minute long. I was getting nervous at how strong they were - toe-curling strong, and still so early!! I had time to get upstairs and post a message on my unassisted message board, and try to get a sheet to cover the bed. I had one contraction that had me say to my husband, "These are FRICKIN' FRICKIN' strong! Oww!" and the next one was about 30 seconds later and actually brought me to my knees and I cried through the end of it. Oh my gosh... I didn't have anything else to do to help them, they were so strong and hurt so much and I couldn't ease them even a little bit! I needed our doula to come before too long, I was hoping she'd have some idea I wasn't thinking of so I could work through these ctx! (my husband had one hot water tank full into the tub by now and was turning off the cold when I asked him to call her). She said she'd be here in 15 min. and I asked him to call our emergency-back-up-midwife who said she'd be on her way. (You should have heard him talking to them, "Well... I don't know if you want to keep sleeping maybe, or maybe come... but..." while I'm practically howling in the background).

I washed my hands in the kitchen after that last wicked ctx. because I wanted to check myself at the next point I could. I grabbed my husband when he walked in during my next ctx and held on to his forearms for dear life and just held on through the ctx to my sanity best I could. I checked myself as soon as it was done and could feel the baby's head and bag - maybe about 4" of it just inside - and I was thinking... "OH MY GOSH", I knew it wouldn't be long. It was another 30 seconds and I had another hard ctx and we went downstairs as soon as that was done (I was afraid of my water breaking on my new carpet... priorities right? ; )). I had one more ctx outside the tub and made myself look my husband in the eye to keep grounded, I was feeling so out of control and a little scared with how much it all hurt. He kept telling me I could do it and was so strong.

I climbed into the tub and tried squatting but I had to stand up for the next ctx - but that's all she wrote because with the next one I decided to maybe try to push a little... there was so much pressure... and when I did, I felt baby's head move down and I kept pushing. Our doula showed up and started videotaping... I grabbed my husband's hand inbetween the ctx and brought it down so he could feel baby's head and bag too and with the next ctx (still kneeling with a leg up in the tub holding onto his forearms) I pushed, felt my water break and his head come out. I felt his head... I thought initially his ear was maybe a hand but that's because his head felt so big. I couldn't feel a cord or anything but he was sitting there a little long and I was getting nervous so I tried to push without a ctx but of course it didn't do anything so I waited. Next real ctx and I pushed... nothing, deep breath and another push and he came out. I pulled him out of the water and he made a little cry and then just was in my arms. I got a towel and rubbed his back a little, wiped his face and checked his tone a tiny bit - he made a squeek and then howled. I checked and it was a boy (I checked 2 more times in the tub because I couldn't believe it)! 5 minutes our doula had been there!!

I stayed in the tub about 15 more minutes and then was going to get out but felt the placenta too low so I pushed that out first and then we got out. Almost no bleeding and I felt GREAT!! We were out of the tub about 20 minutes when our emergency-back-up-midwife came in... we cut the now-totally-limp cord (yay for getting that for one of my kiddos finally!) and I nursed (he was finally interested). I tore just about 1/2" at the bottom but nothing into my vagina or any skid marks - not bad! We weighed him (9lb 12oz), measured him (22 in., 33 1/4cm, 33 5/8cm chest) and that was that.

I was in shock at the speed, the intensity, my general lack of fear, that it was a boy, that he was here and that we did it totally alone after all.

My husband did amazing... he ended up telling me later that with the lack of others to fill places, he felt comfortable finding his own. He had felt totally encouraged by our doula's meeting with us... she told him to call the shots and she would fill in where she needed to. He just needed an extra dose of confidence I guess and just did his thing. He said at one point he got a bit nervous but it was at the point that it felt the wildest for me so he held it together. He said it wasn't scary even when we were totally alone and the baby was coming. I can't tell you how healing this all was for the both of us. It was awesome.

We named him the next day... Graysen Wolf

The dance of the end of pregnancy

2006-08-11T12:47:00.000-07:00

It is, undoubtedly, the most unstable I am emotionally all through pregnancy. I know in my head all sorts of facts (that babies finish the final and important touches at the end of pg, it's THEIR bodies that set your body into labor and they know best when they are ready, that the day they choose and such will make a lifetime effect and no reason to mess with that what so ever, most babies are born within a week on either side of their due date (for non-first-time-Moms), etc.) but my heart and mind struggle to be patient. I am only now 37w and 5d, by actual due date is the 28th... but my second son was born at 38w 0d and my first son was born at 39w 2d (or 38w 2d whichever date you use, I had 2 due dates). Obviously I am not used to waiting very long toward the end. This pregnancy has me measuring 3w ahead so that means I'm measuring past 40w... and that is not comfortable. I also am not sleeping more than 2 hour stretches at night, my boys are acting realllly naughty (my oldest did this last time a few weeks before baby was born, I swear he could sense a change was coming) and generally I'm emotionally fragile and keep feeling discouraged.

I don't know how you get perspective knowing that even a few days will pass quickly - the way each hours feels - but I need to do that. I'm trying hard and praying a lot. :sigh: Hope my next post will be a birth announcement.

And back again...

2006-07-28T21:38:00.000-07:00

I have a new belly picture from this week (35w 3d):

My VBAC doula client had her baby vaginally (she was thrilled!), my oldest is 4 and my youngest is 2 days shy of 2.5 - and we are moving this weekend and next weekend (we'll be staying at the house we love and have had rented out for 2 years as of Sunday... I SIMPLY CAN NOT WAIT!!). We started our family there and we have always felt "at home" there... we can't wait to be back. It's been a very busy month and I am so behind on so many things. Oy!!

I met with my twin sister and her husband today (with our back up doula) to talk about her birth plan... she is due 2 days before me and had some labor ctx. that had to be stopped this week - not saying she'll go early... but we're ready in case she does.

Better get packing more... but there's a quick update.

Ack! Too long!

2006-06-29T16:54:00.000-07:00

Wow, so much time has passed. Obviously things around here have been incredibly busy - we are getting our original house ready to move back into (after being TRASHED by renters for 2 years)... which means basically re-doing almost all the carpet/padding and paint. Frustrating - but it'll be nice.

I'm also getting ready for a baby to arrive in the next 8.5 weeks (wow!) and be a doula for a VBAC client/friend mid-July and a doula for my sister anytime in Aug./early Sept... having a baby shower for my sister next weekend, a birthday party for my oldest, pack and move my house the last week of July - geez, no wonder I'm so tired!!

Things are going great with the baby who is *quite* strong and measuring several weeks ahead of schedule. The boys love the tummy (esp. my oldest who wants me to rock him to sleep for all nap/bedtimes because the baby kicks him when s/he is squished by my holding him in the rocking chair. We have to watch our birth videos soon so that they are getting prepared (my youngest will likely not be there b/c he'll just freak out - he worries about me and wouldn't understand) but we'll prepare them both and see what happens.

My oldest is turning 4 in just a week and a half... I can hardly believe it. How is it that they grow up so fast?

Well I still feel as tired tonight at 5 pm as I did when I woke up at 6 am - bah!
Off to a doula meeting with my VBAC client (so I can meet her husband)... but before I go here's a picture (just a week or so ago):

New belly picture from today

2006-03-23T20:29:00.000-08:00

This is 17w 3d (today) - and I know tons of people say it when it's them, but I'll just add in my two cents - I look HUGE for where I'm at! I mean if you could see where I was at 17w with my firstborn... I looked bigger than that at 10w this time. Just weird and a bit nuts to think about what a major difference it is. Even between #1 and #2 my size didn't change a whole lot... a bit bigger but not a ton. But wow, this time all bets are off! I'm measuring 3w ahead but that's not a huge difference.

Anyways...

My boys are acting like monkeys on a stick so we have to go take care of them now...

Two doula booths, a birth and it's drawing to a close

2006-03-20T19:17:00.000-08:00

We had two doula booths in the past two weekends (one at a Baby Fair, one at a Women's Fair the following weekend). It was busy in regards to having to set up, tear down, print paperwork, get display items (last minute once we figured out our set-up stunk and was not inviting enough), etc. It was hard to guage with was productive since last year at the Baby Fair I gave out 200 brochures (and then some) and didn't get one birth - but this year we gave out maybe 50 (or rather I did... seeing as my results from last year, I wasn't as jumpy to spend the $200 to repeat the same deal)... I just didn't see good results and I didn't want to blow the money on something someone was going to throw away once they got home anyways. The Women's Fair was MUCH older in audience age that it drew and we save maybe a small handful of pg Moms, but oh well - neither show was really well attended this year according to last year's attendance and that was kind of too bad b/c we spent $ going to both shows you know. Oh well, not much you can do about that. Hard to decide whether to go next year or not, but I'd hate to not have a booth at them - in our area the word spreads by word of mouth almost 85% of the time (at least) so the more we can be seen, the more word there will be. It's kind of a demented way of advertising though (slooooow going).

I also went to a birth this week (it was lovely) but the Mom had placenta acreta (from a D&C she'd had just the month before getting pg with her baby that she had) and the midwife I assist had to go up and manually remove it (because after several doses of herbs (two of them twice) and a shot of pitocin she was still bleeding very heavily (the most I'd ever seen)). The midwife tried to pull with the cord (her only other option being manual removal) and so when it pulled off she had to go up - it looked excruciating to experience and I felt so awful for the Mom. She did great (and apologized for "being a wimp" (WHAT?!?!!! I don't think so!!), and she immediately stopped bleeding but her lips were VERY pale and all of that so after some food and lots of liquid she was looking/feeling a *lot* better so that was a major relief. She had other children that we made stay out of the room for quite a while (because of the blood/placenta issue) and that was too bad, but I think it was in their best interest (as did their parents) and they got over it when they got to hold their sibling.

That was a first though... and interesting to know the connection between acreta and D&C (which everyone thinks is so benign of a procedure). Natural miscarriage is the way to go I think...

And the drawing to a close - it's my midwife apprenticship - the midwife I assist leaves in June and only has two clients in April - and that's it. I am trying to prepare myself for an ending to it, but I am sure it won't hit until it's been several months without any births... (well, by that time I'll have my baby so I guess it'll be timed right). It's kind of strange to feel a mental-energy shift towards my family but it's time. It'll be strange to be 'normal' again but I'm grateful (exceedingly) for the chance to work with my friend and mentor.

A few pictures of the pg tummy

2006-02-20T16:28:00.000-08:00

In case anyone would like to see any tummy pictures, here's two from today - I'm exactly 13w today... here are a few from four weeks ago at 8w6d...

Second Trimester Here I Come!

2006-02-19T19:39:00.000-08:00

Yipee!
I'm 13w tomorrow (Monday) and I'm starting to see the light... almost no nausea, peeing less often, not quite so tired (except tonight, I don't know what my problem is), feeling a little less first-trimester-ey. SO happy about that! I also felt definite kicks (strong ones) early this week (I felt them last week at 11.5w but they were much, much lighter). I LOVE this part of pg... I never tire of it or wish it wasn't happening at the time that it is - I always treasure each tumble, kick and flutter.

Well, I lost my job due to the previous postings going ons... the woman I e-mailed was my manager and axed me that Sunday... nice eh? It was fine though really, she was making working there a living nightmare and in the end, I have been having a very happy time with my Sat's and my family. She also said that she didn't do anything wrong and would do it again so we are avoiding that play group and her like the plague. Too bad really as I feel certain I did the right thing and she just wasn't able to see that her tone was not appropriate, but that's alright... the biggest lesson my life has taught me thus far (through difficult church circumstances, etc.) is that there are FEW things I ever regretted saying when they were on my heart, but there have been MANY I have regretted not saying. I would rather be the voice for my young son and reap some negative consequences than let it go. God put me in the position to be his voice and I'm just going to do it. I should have probably waited to talk to her in person but oh well. I'm not sorry I said something, at all.

It has been birth-city around here, I've been to 5 births just since the beginning of Feb. and that is a record for sure! It has been interesting, quite a few babies have had some initial breathing problems, I went to a homebirth-transfer, 4 homebirths and two of those home-waterbirth (that was unintentionally done in her hot tub). They have all been good learning experiences, I've seen some neat placenta-stuff, learned why blood-gasses are done in the hospital and have seen various styles of pushing (which, I find so facinating!). There are still 4 more births planned for Feb. and as it is the 19th today (leaving 9 days left in the month... it'll either be stretching into March, or I am going to be not home at all). On that note, I miss my family. I miss hanging out with them - the quantity time of our relationship all together. I miss my husband, I miss just chilling out. (Oh, baby kicks!)

Anyways, that is a small update from our neck of the woods...

Superwoman cape is getting washed, Mama bear is here!

2006-02-04T22:57:00.000-08:00

Oh man... the other afternoon I was at a play group with a group of ladies I have been with for about 10 months or so. Everyone comes and goes as we wish so it's not always the same group, but often. There are a lot of differing opinions about parenting and child rearing as is to be expected (and the age ranges from 3.5 - newborn). Some days there are 18 people in this tiny house - so it's packed, chaotic and busy.

I'm sitting by the toys to monitor my very active kiddos to make sure they share, don't hit, etc. but am still talking with some of the moms. All of a sudden this mom grabbed her child away from sitting next to my youngest and reprimanded my youngest (for hitting her son - which didn't cause either of them to make a peep so it couldn't have been so bad) with a tone of voice and a look that I don't give my own children when I am angry. Oh my God. I have to say that I actually had a physical reaction to her audacity and I had to keep looking down to not tell her what I wanted to say (she was now across the house). I have thought about it since and each time I get upset... tonight I wrote her an e-mail and asked her (respectfully) to please talk to my children with the respect I give to her child in the exact same situation. It was a lot more involved and e-mailing was actually the best route for me in re: to this because when I was writing I started getting flush, my breathing sped up and my heart was racing... if we'd been in a conversation I didn't want to say something I didn't mean. I've thought about it for 3 days and I had to say something.

Damned if anyone is going to speak to my children that way... I don't care who they are. If a parent is that upset over child's play, something is not right in the situation... I don't expect my children to not get: kicked, hit, stepped on, left out, etc. when we play in groups - it's about learning boundaries, how to play together and really... that's how they learn. My husband told me tonight I am probalby opening more doors than I want to with that e-mail but I have to say, I don't care. I can't let someone think it's okay to treat someone else's kids that way - if I need to ask a child to not hit, I do it nicely, with care and respect for them - - I'm not their Mom and tread lightly b/c of it.

SO, the e-mail is sent, Mama bear is still here but maybe a bit more quiet tonight.
Watch out world, I'm not afraid to protect my family.

Approaching deadlines and celebrations of the best kind...

2006-01-31T16:01:00.000-08:00

First, my youngest son turned 2 yesterday (Happy Birthday big guy!), my husband and I are celebrating 5 wonderful (crazy and grace-filled (thank you God)) years of marriage on the 3rd and Feb. is going to be the month of BABIES. Yes, there are 8 babies due in Feb. for the midwife I assist (and adore). Wow!! I'm going to be birthed-out I tell you! No, not really, there is no such thing - rather, I'm going to be learning a LOT, gone a LOT. I really need to find someone happy to take my chillins' for pay on short notice. Pray I find someone very fast (I pay well).

Recently I went to a birth with my midwife friend and it scared the living daylights out of me, gave me a bit of a reality check, and renewed my gratefulness in God for the safe arrival of so many little ones around the world. Aside from a difficult labor (it wasn't until she swelled her cervix up a lot with pushing too early) where Mom had to deny the urge to push for over 3+ hours and was in increasing pain, getting discouraged, etc., it was a shoulder distocia. Not one caused by all the crap everyone else did to Mom during labor or pushing, but an actual distocia. I swear I've never seen time go by so freaking slowly as it did during that time. I mean literally... it was only four ("only") mintues between when baby's head was born and baby's body was born but wow... wow, wow, wow. It felt like 15 at least. Seriously, it really did. I kept swearing I'd screwed up the time or something but nope.

So Mom is pushing and finally gets baby to move down and baby's head appears, second push and baby's head (to the forehead) is out ("Hmmmm", I think). Another push and baby's head is out to the chin (and I think, "Uh oh") as baby stays there... no rotation, no furthur budging as Mom pushes again, again and one more time. By this time I realize baby is not going to move out on their own... but my midwife friend is ahead of me and already is working to turn baby this way, that way (like a corkscrew) and still nothing. Then, a small rotation of baby and again, stuck. Midwife friend of mine hooks baby under their arm and starts pulling (Mom on hands/knees already) and working (HARD)... still nothing. Again, Mom is pushing (now it's been 5 ctx since baby's head has been out), we are encouraging her with everything we have (I'm praying in tongues and working to not freak out as I know it won't help a lick), midwife friend working hard and finally, the arm comes free, baby is out immediately. A small gurgle or two but my midwife friend assisted with 2 puffs of air from her mouth. Side note: If you ever get the chance, Karen Strange's Neo-natal resucitation class is AMAZING and I took it this summer with my friend in this story. She (the teacher) says that while you know baby is going to breathe, they are attemtping and all is fine, leaving them to struggle on their own causes them to feel alone, scared, etc. (imagine yourself in that position and you'll know what I mean) - assisting them (for the baby's peace of heart and mind) is good midwifery. I couldn't agree more. So this, is what my friend was doing for the baby. We also gave baby oxygen by blowbye, but for our own sense of peace (and it did help me feel better).

After all of this, baby is now warm, screaming their head off (who could blame them?) and purple face to a "T" because of petikia (head out for so long, causes purple bruising of the face), I could almost not hold back tears. Oh my gosh, they were okay, everyone was alive, not too worse for the wear! I wanted to do a dance around the room, honestly. Oh the relief! I had to keep busy to keep from bawling.

So after all of this... as I was thinking about it later (and believe me, I've thought about it A LOT), I was thinking... you know what? If she'd not had a midwife or someone who knew what they were doing (I wouldn't have beyond the corkscrew), it would have been bad. Baaaad bad. The thought just chills me. I know in my heart that this is the exception, NOT the rule, but it's hard to see all the same. Baby's head was 13 3/4 and baby's chest (without arms included) was 15 1/2 inches. That is a big, big chest. Baby was also 24 inches long and weighed 9lb 10oz (a full 2.5 lb. bigger than baby's siblings were at birth). So was it sugar? Did this Mom eat too much? I've heard that she did. Would that have caused such a situation?

Whew, is all I can say, I'm glad it turned out ok. I'm still scared about it - the memory is just so nerve wracking. I pray that when it is my turn to have my baby this next time, it isn't this memory that comes up, but rather the trust and power in birth I have at the deepest part of my heart.

Alright then, that's enough for now. Take care.

Acupuncture, pregnancy, sleeping and more

2006-01-23T20:00:00.000-08:00

I must say after months of feeling like the barely-walking-dead, I got my first pg acupuncture treatment done on Saturday afternoon and already today I am feeling better - like a *lot* better! Shocking! Acupuncture has been a good thing for me in general when I am need of it (my body responds to it quickly and well), so I should have gone in a long time ago, but not until I was waking up feeling like puking (or it was waking me up, either way) did I feel seriously compelled to get myself to the acupuncturist (heck, I'm barely feeling compelled to eat so sometimes it takes a bit to get me there). It was the best thing I could have done, and for a mere $45 I am happy as a clam. If I get any sense of not feeling good again I'm going to be back in a flash... but for now, I'm doing pretty alright!

And as for sleeping... there is something inherent in our children to know exactly when we need it most and then they signal each other to cut it as short as in toddler-possible. So what is this 1/2 hour crap? :sigh: It's a conspiracy I'm afraid. Well, maybe my heavenly 2 hour napping is now done for the rest of pg (tears)... but I'm holding out just in case.

I've also been to two births with my midwife friend recently and they have been awesome! I'm learning SO stinking much... about charting, about collecting cord blood, blood-typing babies (whos Moms are Rh-), doing heart tones, setting everything up and putting it all away. I don't think I can do a whole lot more than that (though I am desperately needing to learn how to take blood pressure... unfortunately I suck at it SO badly that I'm not letting myself do it until I get practice on non-laboring Moms). I keep trying on my friend but I just haven't had good experience - how pathetic. Oh well!

I tried to find my sister's baby's heartbeat on Sat. but I wasn't able to... I kept hearing shadows of it though I swear. It's funny, baby being all of about 1 inch... it was hard to pinpoint and once they know you are looking with the doppler, they get out of the way (since the doppler (condensed ultrasound waves) heats their tissues and makes a loud noise to them). That's awful huh? Make you never want to use a doppler (or it does me anyways).

Things are going well... I'm 9w pg and praying for a long time still - it's feeling much more real and I'm starting to kind of enjoy it (not feeling like crap-ola all day). I'm wondering though, now that acupuncture has made me feel so much better, if my sense that it's a girl is going to be SO totally wrong now. Oh well, adds a little fun to the end I guess. : ) My chances of having a girl this time are like 25% or so (because we already have two boys). Still... that's my bet.

Gotta get the boys out of the bath.

And... thought I should add

2006-01-16T21:22:00.000-08:00

that I don't think I'm above so-and-so or have it figured out... I don't mean to sound self righteous in my previous entry... more than anything with all things kind of coming to the same spot, I've been just surprised how everything is... well, orchestrated so perfectly. Sometimes it takes me off guard to know I'm not entirely in charge of my life and that God is along the ride with me. Anyways, I didn't want it to sound selfish... I mean it in a "wow" kind of way.

Another birth, but with different midwife (and etc.)

2006-01-14T16:44:00.000-08:00

I got the chance to go to a birth with a different midwife than I normally go with - she was one of my midwives (she works in a pair) when I had my kiddos and I love them a lot. Right now they were able to use some help (not that I'm overly helpful esp. since I have to learn how they do things and all) so I got a call last night and got to go to a birth with one of them. It was a learning experience in that I learned a lot about how to chart what she was saying, I learned some newborn breathing stuff (always helpful) and some of how to acess gestational age. What I found was so profound is that the midwife I normally 'work' with is an entirely different kind of midwife than the midwife (midwives) I was able to work with yesterday. I see different things in each of them I love, and some in one that I don't love. I learn what approach I want to take and more importantly WHY I want to take that approach. I am able to examine through watching them what my Midwife-Heart actually looks like and where it stems from. I get to ask myself questions like, "Why would I do (or not do) _____?" In particular I ask myself these kinds of questions if something that is done shocks my heart, or feels especially 'right'.

Because of some life choices I made along the way as an early-adult, I found myself a part of a group that taught you to take your leadership from a person, follow what they believed, heard from God or thought was right/good/holy. It has been an interesting road from that point to here, but I feel that in some ways, part of my 'healing' to be able to follow that compass inside of my heart is in my midwife dream. I am not as certain as I remember always being, but I do know that with some things, there is no question in my heart about them. I feel that I get stronger in this as time and practice goes on. In finding my Midwife-Heart, I'm finding my own... kind of cool.

I have also recently been a part of the midwifery politics in my state - there are some things in the works that would give away some autonomy that midwives carry in this state - and I've found it kind of sad that there is no such thing as simple midwifery. You'd think that a woman getting educated to serve women in childbirth and then doing that would be rather simple (or at least straight forward), but that's not the case... there's more political crap that goes with anything medical (people vying for the position that carries the most power - like the food chain) than you'd ever expect. In my city there is a midwife on trial here at the end of the month... maybe she didn't make an excellent choice in what is up for trial, but I feel that more than anything she is being made an example of. That just rubs me the wrong way... to persecute someone not necessarily because of what they did but because of what they represent. I mean aren't we out of the dark ages? We go from persecuting colors to occupations. None of that is right.

But I should step down from my soap box since a lot of this is just opinion anyways (with some observation). Better tend to my kids.

Low energy... slow blog

2006-01-09T15:52:00.000-08:00

Sorry about the slow blog, things have been hectic on the outside world and I'm coordinating a lot of stuff the past few months and it's going to continue for a few more - I want to write on here more but I'm using all my energy to DO the stuff I have already on my plate and that leaves (literally) none left. So sorry...

Happy (and very fun) news is that my sister is pregnant as well and due on Aug. 26th (I am due on the 28th) with her first baby. We keep joking how twins can have twins but the possibility is teeny and I already have two... so I keep telling her it's her turn (she can take over that one). Thankfully my parents took it SUPER well and are still about to die of shock, it was a laugh. I've also been (as has my sister) feeling like CRAP and really wanting to die for at least 1/2 of the day. The second half of the day I'm playing catch-up to the first half that I feel like I missed entirely. Leaves me at a deficit every evening (which lends to feeling kind of panicky as I lead a pretty darn full schedule as it is). Low level of energy, high amount of things to do, 1/2 the day feeling incapacitated - and well, you get the picture. ((So all I need is a housekeeper to come by every other week and maybe someone to help me cook, and I'll be good.)) ; )

7 weeks today so still in the scary-part-of-pg part... but hoping time goes quickly.

So since the world will know starting tomorrow...

2005-12-25T20:01:00.000-08:00

Seeing as my mother-in-law is going to tell her friend tomorrow who then tells the ENTIRE world, my husband and I are expecting version 3.0 late August of 2006. Figure I might as well get a bit of a jump on the rumor mill in this area - not many know about my blog, but a few of those I love do.

So much going on, but a wonderful holiday in this house - we had a blast with the little kiddlets, our parents were overly generous (of course), our sisters blessed us a ton and we are walking away from what we expected to be a small holiday with more happiness and good things than we thought we ever would.

I love holidays with kids, they make things SO fun.
I'm on the overly-tired zone right now so I'd better cut this short and make myself something healthy to eat for dinner (at 8:00 pm)... ha ha. Thanks for reading... I will update more soon.

Self-teaching midwifery - or the start of it...

2005-12-02T12:32:00.000-08:00

The midwife friend of mine that lets me shadow her, ask her every question under the sun and basically work with her when I can (how wonderful is that??) and I were recently talking about how I feel so very unprepared as far as technical knowledge goes. It is to be expected I am sure (seeing as I am just starting out) but I want to know more, more, more. Knowledge is power when it comes to birth I think (whether as a parent, observer, doula or other). I like to know what is going on, why, what should be happening, etc. It's that obsessive student in me now that I have a subject I adore. ANYways, I was going on about the struggle to want to know more, but not knowing where to start, how to find the information I want to know and feeling a little like a chicken with my head cut off. (Thinking in my head, 'Should I research about cord prolapse, fundal height, IUGR and which do I do first? Agggh!'). So my midwife friend said that if I want to get a group together (of aspiring midwives seeing as they really are everywhere) she will go through the topics with us, do a mini-class in other words. Sweet! And now I get to choose the topic... back to square one! :laugh: So what is the base knowledge we should know first? Does it matter? Still not sure what I'm going to choose, there are two gigantic books of topics in front of me... plowing through them trying to choose is nutty.

I went to my last doula birth that is scheduled and my (hopefully) last free one for a while. I love doing free births because in the perfect world everyone would have access to a birth helper... but when I pay someone to watch my kiddlets, print cards and brochures, gas, food and time... well, I end up severely in the red. So for now, no more freebies. It's an interesting story because this person found me on www.bellywomen.net (great site) where they match doulas with clients (free births usually) and so that is where she got my name. Funny thing is that we went to school together when we were in junior high - small world indeed.

What was interesting about this birth is that regardless of what was said, I could tell Mom didn't want to try for a natural birth (not that that is the point of a doula either, Mom's choice entirely in that regard) so I went into it expecting that she would probably want an epidural (which she ended up getting at 7cm). She really was in a good groove with the contractions by the time she got her epidural but it was obvious that it wasn't 'enough' relief for her. Her contractions did the typical space-out-thing and so about 3 hours after her epidural she was dilated to a 10 and another 45 minutes later the Dr. showed up (sigh). Baby was like the engine that could and the heartrate was awesome, always. Mom pushed little bean out in 6 pushes total (2 contractions) and had no tear. He was her biggest baby and was born 2 days shy of 37w (and thus the NICU unit was there and you'd think after all their suctioning that this poor kid had neither a brain nor intestines left). No meconium and no reason, but they deleed that poor kiddlet to no end, suctioned him a total of 7 times while he was in the room (all of an hour) and Mom was able to only hold him for maybe 5 min. total and he "had" to spend 2 hours in the NICU to monitor his blood sugars and breathing (since he was pre-term by 2 days (though weighed 7lb 5.5oz). UGH is all I have to say. I was so upset to see him laying in his isolete in the NICU under the warmer without Mom or Dad (he said he could see him good enough on the outside of the glass... so no skin to skin or any familiar sound or smell). I was so upset that my chest hurt and I have to find a way to de-stress or at least reaffirm what I believe after things like this... otherwise I'm not going to want to do hospital births soon and that is where they need doulas right?

Hard to see a baby being treated so roughly, so callously because "they won't remember" or it's habit or policy to do such and such. I just think about it from their perspective... you're warm, content and safe, all sounds muffled (as is light) and the first thing that happens when 6 inches of you is into the world is a huge green syringe is shoved up your nose twice and down your throat twice. What possibly could the baby think? I'd be thinking, "DUDE, what the HELL are you doing??!?!!! OUCH! Back off!!!" Then to have it done like 7 more times, be roughly dried off with blankets that feel like wrapping paper to new skin (never touched before by anything but silky soft) and with lights the brightness of sun. They shove this tube up your nose and down your throat into your stomach to pump out what doesn't need to be removed (natural amniotic fluid) and doesn't have a reason... no wonder so many people have oral aversions, kids won't eat particular textures. It would still upset me if it was done to a 2m old but at least at that point there is a base of security, love - but the very first few minutes of life?? It just is so unecessary and seems so cruel. Obviously when necessary, great... but rarely the case.

How is that for a soapbox? I just can't get away from putting myself in their position... we store all memories in our bodies, don't you think the very first earth-side one is pretty major?

A conciousness about privacy

2005-11-21T13:45:00.000-08:00

It has been interesting to delve a little more into the world of midwives in my area, and the world of older women as well - I was only 25 when my son was born and I had just recently escaped (aptly put) a cult-ish church to work in a real world job; at that time, I worked through my pregnancy and then became a SAHM with the company of my small child(then children). SO, I am almost approaching everything with new-er eyes... and it is a little strange! Once, a long time ago I told my Dad that people never really grow up, they just come up with more sophisticated ways of covering their same immature reactions, thoughts and habits. Amazingly, that (then arrogant) statement is still kind of true!

Recently I went to a meeting where friends (midwives) were and a case was discussed... and in the midst of that, prior and after, the gossip was going! I am not above knowing some of what someone is doing... or hearing about it or whatever, but to talk about it out of frustration... I don't do that often and it was like overload. There was one midwife (the one I apprentice with and adore) who never opened her mouth, maybe said, "I don't know" or whatever, but that was it. She obviously doesn't try to take part in that women-eat-women activity. It was interesting to watch... and I made a mental note to ignore future escapades of the tongue when it happens in ear-shot. To be honest, it makes me sad to hear about people's lives, and I am so busy with my own that I almost don't want to be bothered about theirs too (what an awful thought isn't it?). I just kind of would rather not know... for both my sake and their sake. I HATE HATE HATE when people spread my news or life-bits around and I know I'm not the only one...

And so I was wondering, maybe I shouldn't post birth stories here... there isn't (or doesn't seem to me like there is) a way you could know who I am talking about, and it gives me a place to rejoice, vent, learn by re-living/examining later, and such... but it doesn't have to be where everyone can read it.

Any thoughts on that? I just don't want to cross boundaries (knowingly or unknowingly) with such sensitive information - I forget a lot of things (including my kids' names sometimes) but I never forget the details of my births you know? So that is why I'm wondering. Until another day.

Passion Ms. Directed

2005-10-22T21:49:00.000-07:00

Ha ha... misdirected, get it? Mmmm, seeing as I am always on full-tilt no matter WHAT direction I head into, I should get used to (or BE used to) being let down but still, I am not. I get my hopes up, put my heart into whatever it is that is on my plate at the moment. I have the drive of my father and the tenacity of my mother - together that makes one focused woman. At times obviously it's a benefit, often it is a hindrance. My heart takes one tiny bruise at a time... which should seem silly in the long run, really, but after a while it seems like my heart needs a break - and I walk through a bit of disillusionment. HOW do I stop the cycle? Is it worth melding my passion so that I don't attack things with such vigor? Hard to say...

There has been another birth since my last post and it was amazing (so far, none of them have been any less than amazing). I was on-call for a friend that was out of town for the week prior to this second-time Mom's due date (which in both of our opinion quite possibly meant that she was going to miss this Mom's birth). I had had a heads up call on Wed. afternoon that contractions were 10 min. apart and that she would call if things got closer together (she is easily 45 min. away) and as that is the day her Mom was flying in, I was not suprised to get a call - I figured she was waiting to go into labor until her Mom was in town to take care of her older daughter. I didn't get a call that evening or the next day, or even the next day. When Sat. morning started, I figured that was it and when my friend arrived that evening and was back on-call for this Mom, she would be at the birth if it ever came.

7:30 am. and my phone rang with the Mom on the other line... contractions had started after she had nursed her daughter and weren't seeming to slow down... if they continued or gathered strength she would be calling me back later (either way). I got ready for our monthly doula meeting that is at my house and put my doula bag in my car just in case. She called again as the meeting started saying things had not mellowed out and if it kept up another hour she would call for me. An hour passed (maybe less) and she called again asking me to head their way. I left the doulas at my house and headed out high on caffiene and adrenaline.

When I arrived at their home in the country, I unpacked my bag and entertained their daughter with the contents (so much fun!) and we blew up my birth ball so she could be like her Mom, I showed her how to use the massager and she got to play with the hand air pump (by far her favorite). Who knew it could be so entertaining? I settled into the pattern that Mom had and provided hot wash cloths for contractions, pressed on her back when it seemed like she needed it, and fell into the moment. It seemed after I arrived that the contractions spaced out a little but got longer and stronger - all a good sign - and after another hour or so, we stopped filling the birth tub with the hot water tank, started boiling water instead, and sent Mom off to a shower while we called the midwife. After about an hour shower, drying off and getting dressed, Mom's water broke just as the midwife drove up the driveway. It was lightly stained with meconium but seemed nothing to worry about. Mom settled into the birth tub after about a half hour of marching with wide legs, hanging onto her husband's forearms and having pressure on her back by me (just about my only job so far other than daughter-entertainment and water-boiling). Baby's heartones sounded wonderful and Mom settled into the water in the middle of transition.

The most amazing part of this labor is the way this Mom could fall into working with her body, listening to her body and following it without any instruction... it was mesmerizing to watch her be so in tune... it was a treat. She was so into what was going on that it was almost a little overwhelming and having her keep her eyes open during the last little bit of transition and all through pushing seemed to make a world of difference. When her eyes were open she was on top of the sensations, when she closed her eyes, they ruled her. She began pushing when it was time, contractions spacing out at this time. Mom had torns quite badly with her daughter because of that primal-urge to follow her instincts, she had 'blown' her baby out so fast her tissue hadn't had time to stretch... this time she listened to her husband talk to her, coach her to go easy, etc. She pushed well and her baby was born to its eyebrows, began moving sharply, wiggling strongly and giving Mom a lot of pain... pushing again and baby's head was out - more movement... another push and baby's chest, then rest of baby was out - and it was a boy! Baby had some trouble breathing on his own to start and the midwife gave him 3 breaths which enabled him to inflate his lungs with a little help - soon he was so pink he was red, and crying. Baby was 8lb 11oz and his chest was 4 cm. wider than his head - and thus why he wiggled so, to fit!

Happy baby, thrilled parents, and pleased doula... I walked away almost feeling as if I did nothing - but the tiny bits I did made a big difference to them, so I was grateful to be there. When their daughter came home from the store with Grandma (where they had gone for a few hours (as well as taking a nap in the car) while Mom labored) the first thing she said is, "He's so round!"... it was adorable, all she could see was his head! :grin:

So I was there all of 5 hours, I hardly did a thing, and I continue to learn more... as I always say, I LOVE MY JOB!

Adventures in Doula land - what you never expect

2005-09-21T20:03:00.000-07:00

To start, I was at another birth yesterday (that is 5 births in 8 weeks!) and I have to say it is one of the most interesting ones yet... but not in the usual way. Sure some labors are long, some are short; some are loud, some are the picture of peace; some are full of faith, some are lacking confidence from the start. SOME are interesting for the doula for one reason or another - but yesterday it was the first time it was interesting because of some near escapes of bodily harm via the laboring Momma.

In the midst of very serious labor when Moms are feeling like they want to crawl literally out of their skin my job can sometimes be to get inches from their ear and get them to breathe with me, slow things down, relax and generally take it down a notch if possible. I will admit that it doesn't sound like the nicest thing to do (commanding with some strength that Mom breathes with me or what not), but I try to do it with a lot of understanding and sensitivity - sometimes I feel like a jerk doing it so I imagine it sometimes sounds that way to Momma. Sooooo, when I'm telling this Mom at one point to breathe with me (instead of hyperventilating) and to slow it down, she swatted verrrry near my face.

Hmmmmm, I backed away a bit out of reach.

So later when Mom has gone through levitating off the bed (practically) and truly acting like she was possessed, she was getting some medication and had to hold still (it hardly worked - I swear, so far both doula clients that have had medication while I was their doula, it hardly worked - both times not even an hour). So she is holding still with more concentration than I have seen from her thus far and she is squishing my hand (later I checked to see if my wedding ring made me bleed, that's how hard) and she slowly brings my hand (in hers) to her open mouth with bared teeth... and then goes to bite me, and slowly backs my hand away (phew!). Not two minutes later my hand is headed for the same direction and again, she chooses not to bite me.

Hmmmmmm, do doulas taste good? Shall we NOT find out?

Overall, I must say that it was interesting (as so far, every single one is), but next time, I won't have the biting or hitting... even in the heat of labor I need a bit of respect. : )

So how shall I write this birth story then?

The new season starts... now!

2005-09-17T14:31:00.000-07:00

I took my last test for my classes today, I am DONE with school! I am done for several years (even if I didn't pass my class), I am not going to be a college student for a while - hallelujah!! I am so relieved to spend time with my family, finish projects, establish the feeling of peace I love, and just play with my boys... what a total joy! I won't feel guilty that I'm not multi-tasking, studying (or procrastinating), and my focus gets to go where it really should be right now. I'm still going to be a doula, but I am overjoyed to simplify - hopefully I can figure out how to relieve some of the pressure from my wonderful husband... he is just up to his neck with work and the stress that goes with it. Poor guy.

So I was a doula after that birth I posted last, and it has also been an extreme learning experience... the birth and labor weren't as much as the following 2 weeks have been (it'll be 2w as of Sunday morning) since this Mom had her baby. She had pretty calm and random labor pains all day Sat. and it wasn't until late Sat. evening (11:00) that her water broke. Her contractions picked up but she was fine still... she said she'd call when she needed more help or had questions. I got a call about 2:30 from her boyfriend asking if water coming out with each contraction was okay (yes) so he said ok... I got a call 15 min. later from the Momma saying she was really in a lot of pain and wanted me to come. I flew out of bed, got ready and was out the door in less than 10 min. I drove a good 40 mph on the roads to get to her house and when I got there and pulled my things out... I could hear Mom pushing from her open window. I hardly remember bolting up their stairs to their apartment and throwing my things on the floor. I walked in to Mom pushing in the tub, "I've already been pushing for 5 min!" she said. I flipped open my phone praying that the midwife was going to fly - but the Dad said they'd called her when Mom started pushing (phew! because while I'd love to catch a baby... maybe with less panic). : ) The midwife showed up maybe 7 min. later and the Mom started calming down. She actually liked pushing and kept asking, "Is that okay?"... I told her to enjoy it! Baby was born into water with one big push all at once, and Mom sat back with relief (with baby still on the tub floor!). The midwife practically jumped INto the pool to get baby, and pulled her up. She was gurgly from mucus in her tummy and nose, but she was breathing pretty well. We'd been there a total of 25 min!

Since that point, baby had refused to nurse for almost 3 days - the key ended up being a suplemental nursing system (SNS) and a fellow Mom nursing her daughter. The new Mom had really flat nipples and the baby just wasn't able to figure it out - after a nursing with a different Momma that didn't have this problem, baby figured it out in less than 12 hours. She was not becoming dehydrated or anything (even though she hadn't nursed) so it was amazingly un-freakish that baby had gone that long.

BUT, the frustration that Mom continues to feel re: feeding her daughter (honestly, I don't think she is cueing into her baby's cues (yet?)) and behavior has been exceedingly time-consuing, energy-consuming for all involved. I don't mind serving this Mom or her family, and I don't mind answering late night calls - but it got to the point where I was answering questions about poop-color at 3:30 am! Since then, it mellowed out a bit, but even then, I'm running to their house on "panic calming" errands - to check out their daughter's umbilical cord, taking her daughter for a walk so that she can rest and shower, eat and listen to silence, getting meals organized for her, having other people go visit, etc. My husband is demanding that next time I get paid. It's hard because I remember exactly, how difficult it was for me to adjust the first time... the feelings of panic, the questions, the frustrations, the anxiety, the post-partum depression... it all takes a toll, but it doesn't need to happen if you have support.

So I'm still learning - learning that becoming a Mom is difficult at SOME point either in the labor, the delivery, the pregancy, getting pg, the parenting, family issues, the issues that baby has - - it seems like there is no such things as an easy pregnancy, labor, delivery, adjustment and parenting. Is that a horrible way to look at it or is it realistic? I think that God uses those difficult situations to make us into parents, to change us into the people we need to be for our kids.

It's funny to see how my impression about labor and delivery and what follows is changing... I can feel my expectations melting away, my first judgement calls lessening... when I get a prospective client, I don't expect anything from them at this point (honestly, I don't even expect them to call me). It's funny, and it's kind of nice, I'm not worrying in the same way, or hoping even... I just feel like I take it one issue/situation at a time.

The story continued...

2005-09-02T19:42:00.000-07:00

So this birth that I was at Wed...
When I got there at 7:45 am. Mom was sitting on the birth ball and leaning on the couch, she very much looked as if she was in *early* labor and I wondered about her timing for calling me. She was handling contractions well and not needing anyone's assistance other than heating the heat pad for her back when it got cool. Her husband was filing the birth pool and I was just there for moral support. I was there about an hour and 15 min. when her parents showed up and while contractions had been about 15 min. between them, when her parents showed they jumped to 2 min. apart (still lasting about 1:15 each). Mom asked me about calling their midwife (my friend) so I went ahead and asked about checking her, etc. The midwife said she had day apts. and so either they needed to wait until their apt. at 1:00 or come down now for a check. Mom didn't feel at all like driving (don't blame her) so the midwife came to us.

Midwife arrived maybe 9:15 and checked Mom who was 7-8 cm.! We were both shocked (midwife and I)... still Mom was breezing through labor and got into the birthtub when it was ready (maybe another 3/4 hr) and you could tell by her face that labor was finishing dilation. It was maybe another hour or so and Mom felt like she was getting close to pushing. After another hour or so we had Mom and Dad go into the bathroom so Mom could get a sense of the pressure and sensation of relaxing/pushing/working with her body. After about 1/2 hr. they came back to the pool and Mom was breathing through her contractions.

It was another hour of working with Mom trying a few different things (having her look up with eyes open, leaning on Dad, kneeling, kneeling with one leg up, sitting back) before we realized that maybe Mom wasn't wanting to push. The midwife gave her some homeopathic stuff to help relax Mom and ease the transition into pushing (which can be very scary) - she administered some soothing spray to her bum so that that didn't bother her when she pushed and we tried the Rebozo for Mom to push, standing with Dad swinging her legs out and around in between contractions and then dangling to push when she had a contraction. The midwife could feel the baby actually move upward when Mom had a contraction because she was actually pulling her in rather than pushing her out, she tried pushing down on her bum to show her where to push and lots of encouragement. It was now about 3:00 and had been over 3 hours of pushing contractions - we sent Mom with just Dad and her Mom into the bathroom again... the contractions had spaced out to 1/2 hour between them.

After much talking and brainstorming everyone was sent outside and Mom went into the bedroom with the midwife only. It was another 40 min. before Mom decided to start actually pushing and then it was another 20 min. and baby was born in two pushes. The entire time we could see about 3 inches of her head and her heart tones were fantastic. Mom had pph and needed pitocin and methergine and her bp was super low. She passed out later on in the evening when she went to the restroom with her Mom.

Baby wasn't nursing well and Mom fell asleep almost instantly. 24 hours later things were relatively the same... I am not sure how they are doing today.

My impression was that she was used to being the baby of the family (her Mom actually told us that as well) and that she didn't want to get "down and dirty" with the pain of pushing, she was afraid of having the baby partly because things in her life would dramatically change (baby would be the attention-center, require lots of herself, she was afraid of being a Momma), she wanted to be alone and was too 'nice' to say it. There are a lot of other things too, but this was what I was thinking at the time...

I walked away wondering what in all of creation I had just been a part of. NONE of the suggestions worked - the midwife (her friend as well) finally had to tell her that if she didn't get serious about pushing eventually they would have to talk about transfering and pitocin because she was nearing exhaustion. That was the key believe it or not. It was a whole new experience to be with someone so conciously making a choice to NOT have their baby, it had never been so cut and dry before. It seemed so challenging to present opportunities for Mom and baby to make that final decision together - once you walk through all of them, it just comes down to a choice by Mom.

It was a learning experience for SURE, if presented with that place again I would talk to Mom about making a concious choice (in her ear) to birth her baby. In this situation that's exactly what it came down to.

The world of birth... ever interesting.

A recent, frustrating birth

2005-09-01T15:09:00.000-07:00

I have to get my son in a second so I'll be back to post more but...
I went to the most frustrating (as of yet) birth as a doula yesterday... Mom would not push for over 3 hours, it was to the point where we had exhausted all ideas and possibilities (rest, nourishment, encouragement, homeopathy, pushing positions, emotional issues, people and places to push to find the right combination, anything anyone could think of). I walked away feeling so widely frustrated that it took me a few hours to hone in on what was exactly so hard about it all.

I'll have to write more, little one crying, but soon when I have the time I'll be back...

At peace? What is that??

2005-08-28T00:08:00.000-07:00

When I see people that are content or at peace in their lives I always am in a state of partial-awe. I'm partially wondering HOW do they do that? And then I wonder WHY do they do that? Am I the only person that feels somewhat addicted to the un-quiet? (Of course I can't stand it noisy either... it's a strange balance). Is it because so many things run around in my mind or that I have so many projects I want to accomplish, places I want to go, things I want to experience and never want to miss a minute of any of them?

I need Zen, yoga and green tea.

Right? Is the addiction to the un-quiet a negative thing?

I remember when I was awed the first time I went out with my ultra-religious friends who didn't drink or do drugs one summer evening during college, it was actually FUN - they knew how to have fun without those things. I know it's funny now but I was genuinely surprised. I kind of feel like that is what I need to experience in this sort of thing too... the quiet weekend, the calm days, and it will become addicting too in its own way.

My Dad took his first real vacation this past month (EVER) (and he is beyond retirement age), and it struck him like a bug, he can't seem to get enough... the switch went off and the click finally came (and my Mom says hallelujah!). I believe I get that part (in a much smaller measure) from my Dad the workaholic, the never-calm, quiet or peaceful one. I used to joke that if he was locked in a room by himself for a day he'd go insane, but it was true, and kind of sad. I don't want to be like that...

More yoga, more tea and bits of Zen when I can get them...
My peace will come, I'm working on moving more into my life.
Peace...

The family wins out

2005-08-25T13:04:00.000-07:00

Decision 99.99% made to not be in midwifery school this year - or for several years - in light of my boys being so young. I have to e-mail the director back tomorrow with my final decision but it's made... the deadline of tomorrow is just a finality. There are a few other options that I could do, and they were slightly tempting, but it would be 1/2 time of school, 1/2 time of family and I feel like I'd be half assing both - I'm more of an "all or nothing" personality so in that respect, I'd rather give my kids 100% and then give school as near 100% as is possible, in the future. I mean if I'm really making the decision to be with my kids than I probably should right?

However, Ms. Obsessive-About-Birth still has a lot of things birth-related on her plate and am happy to keep doing such things and serving the local midwife who was and is going to be my preceptor. She said she'll train me at the speed I can when I can and we'll just keep working at the needs for licensure in my state. When I get there, either I'll take the licensure exam or if I am ready for school and want/need to do that, I'll do that. Lots of ways to get to the end goal and lots of time (not even 30 yet...). I'm still a doula (and lately a busy one, though all births keep being for free - ugh, it'd be SO nice to get paid even $50!!), and I'm still going to volunteer a day a week in the birth community, and the rest of the time I'm Mommy-Julie and all my other hats I wear.

I'm not (repeating to myself), NOT going to busy myself to fill the place of my current life-speed, slow is okay and I'm happy to see my boys happier in the past 2 days than they have been for months (my husband too), I have to admit I am as well. So when the dark days hit, I'm going to look at my famiy and remember that no matter if anyone ever realizes I made a choice for them or not, I'm going to be grateful. How could I resent the children in my life? I don't ever want to choose that. They are not my accessory or prodigy, my chance to re-do life, they are my investment and their own person... I just want to give them the best start I can.

So decision made, new plan to fit together, speed to tame down and family to grow and enjoy... working on it one day at a time. It's so strange to halt a year and a half 100% plan... I feel like I need a life-map now or something.

And the tide changes

2005-08-23T10:22:00.000-07:00

You know how when you are young and have ideals for how you are going to live your life ("I'm never going to be a yuppie" "I won't give my kids clothes for Christmas") and then one day you realize you strayed from them? And then what do you do? Where do you go from there? How do you stop the forward motion, turn around and realize that maybe you aren't where you want to be? Then what? Do you stand there with the realization and say, "It'd be too hard to go back and change" or "I'm too far this direction already" or do you say, "I am going the wrong direction"?

The moment above came to visit this week... well, yesterday to be exact. I realized that when I started off being a Stay-at-home-Mom, I had the heart to be with my kids because I know that when they are little, there is no replacement for that. I also know that in the end, all things can pass away but my family is most important. I've said it a million times but I am not going to sacrifice my family for my dream... but walking that out when everything else is in place to accomplish my dream (well, almost) is awfully hard.

What I am left with is a decision to put school on hold so that my boys don't scream with anguish when I leave the house for an evening of study but rather (in a few years) say, "Bye Mom" without the melt downs. I'm left to decide if 3 years of school and 5 years of babies sooner is worth those same 8 years not focusing on my kids. In the end who is blessed or suffers the most? Who will it mean the most to? I'm making the decision to walk what I talk or to give lip service, to serve my family so that it serves me back, invest in my family and my future with more experience and solidity to back me up when I go deep into my schooling.

I haven't had to make such a reverberating choice in a long time, since I decided to not work but stay home a good 3+ years ago. I have connections with the birth community around my area and the licensed midwife who is a good friend and my group of doulas are all strenghts and outlets to my passion. I'm going to continue to be a doula, assist my midwife friend and possibly learn along the way, but I believe (though no final decision is made) that I am going to put my big dream on hold to invest in my family some more.

I said it when I was at my interview and I firmly believe it. It's not IF I'm going to be a midwife, but rather WHEN.

I pray that my children will find honor in my choice and that my family will be blessed. Sometimes being a Mom affects you from outside to core and one can never tell where the decisions will take you or what they will cost you - I had children because I wanted to be their Mom and love them.

Not an easy time.

Thick skin

2005-08-17T06:00:00.000-07:00

Or rather that reverse to it. I suffer thin skin big time, when it comes to people evaluating what I do and love. I had an evaluation for being a doula recently for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) client that was from the Dad, and he gave me a 4 out of 5 for my suggestions being helpful for Dad (5's on all the rest). This is ONE point from perfect and I can't let it go. What did I do? How could I have done it different? Where did I step on toes or not help enough? It's all jumbled in there and I had a hard time going to sleep last night. How sad right? I definetly need to learn to take things without getting so upset about them, but I'm not sure HOW you learn how to do that??

Can I be perfect in this one area, birth? I really wish I could... I hate when I don't do it 'right'.

A new year, a fresh start

2005-08-09T09:13:00.000-07:00

Today is my birthday (my sister and I's birthday) and we're 29. Seems like a good year to make a life transition... like it's a year shy of life-routine. It's interesting that I haven't been able to settle into something I wanted to do or be the rest of my life (other than wife, Mom, Christian, etc.) in terms of work or dream, but I've been able to have all things truly fall into place for it to be this year.

I'm shocked sometimes that a year ago I was just starting the journey to get things ready to apply... and here I am. It was difficult to start school again after being gone from it for so long, but it was refreshing too, I love to learn, and there was something so invigorating (sorry, it's a lame word, but it's true) about being back in college. I haven't loved the online classes as much as I did my real classes at the local college, but what do you do when they drop your registration from computer problems? You just have to get creative. Oh, and how I said in the past that I like semester classes because you can learn more because they're longer? Yeah, I take that back. I don't like that (unless it's an art class), they have been draggggging out I swear! I'm ready for things to be done and I have another 3.5 weeks of school left. I just need to hold out and have patience (laugh), my forte right?

As my birthday present, I'm not doing any homework of any shape or form today AND, both of my kids are still sleeping and it's almost 9:30!! My god, I am a blessed Mom today - what a treat! That's at least an hour and a half longer than normal! Of course we have places to go so I'm going to interrupt my blessing in a few minutes...

Well, here's to a wonderful year...

Books, books and yet more books coming out of my ears...

2005-08-07T08:42:00.000-07:00

Wow, I love books and I love to read about birth and babies and midwifery - anything related (when I have time), but holy moly is there a lot of books to get. I spent an easy $348 without getting everything (I need to spend about $130 more to finish the last few). Woah... I think a very large investment is going to be in my already-started birth-library. I have a bookshelf but it's being taken up by my printer and scanner right now so it has another two shelves and it's a good thing. I never thought I'd own so many books on this topic...

There's a lot of cool titles I'm excited to read: Caring for our Future: Content of Prenatal Care sounds interesting, The Woman's Comfort Book: A Self-Nurturing Guide for Restoring Balance in Your Life. Too bad I didn't even know some of these existed when I was pg (though good for future chillins').

Anyways, the library-lover in me is quite excited for Overstock.com to show up at my doorstep with a truckload of books. Woohoo! Of course I won't have time to get through any of them for a while. Oh well, they'll look nice on the bookshelf in the meantime.

The dream starts...

2005-08-05T18:31:00.000-07:00

The dream begins in September... I will officially enter the Seattle Midwifery School - and thus begin a 3.5 year labr to a midwifery dream. I don't know if it officially ever ends (the labor and birth process, of any dream) but in the eyes of the state, it starts Sept. 2005.

What do I expect? Wow, I expect a lot of things... a lot of things to change. It's going to be a whole new experience and if there is one thing I hate, it's taking that first test in a class, not knowing how the teacher relates what they taught with what they test, what is expected of you, how well you know the information, etc. Drives me nutty... and I feel like that right now. Am I strong enough? Can I make it through a year let alone 3+? Am I really made to be a midwife? Is my marriage going to make it? (Okay, teasing, of course it will... but I hope it is a smooth transition to me in full-time school). Can I just get one tiny peak at the future for a second to see if I make it, and well? No? Alright then... one day at a time.

In the meantime, lots of *stuff* to buy... books, supplies, some serious babysitting. Is sanity on sale? No? Damn. Well, as the future moves forward, it's my hope to keep writing and witness the labor and birth of my dream to midwifery.

Sept. 13th and counting down...