The power of family

My husband and I have been talking about finances, family and in general our base feelings about all of that. As we're wadding through what feels like a tangled garden we're realizing more and more that how our family thought about issues (the same ones we're talking about) is the reason WE think what we think! Almost like we were pre-programmed (that sounds alien-took-me-away-ish, but I don't mean it like that). It baffles me that my family could have that deep of an effect on me without realizing it - but that's kind of cool. I mean that must happen to other people too (from their parents) and if that's true, a parent could do that in a good way. I'm sure that's the reason for attachment parenting! And a good reminder.

I have to take advantage of nap time so I'll be back again later. ; )

Moving on in stages...

It's very strange to move on from one season of life to another but recently my husband and I have been talking about quite seriously being done with having children and moving on past that part of our lifetime. It's so strange to consider that we may NEVER had any more children - as a choice! I feel like as every section of life goes by (childhood, young-adulthood, single-hood, etc.) that I'm kind of just along for the ride and it's felt almost like I'm not choosing. Now, making a concious choice, it's different and I feel... old. Old-er. We're talking about our family being complete, school options for the bigger boys, long-term occupations, etc. It's just weird!

I turned 30 this year, my husband started his own business, we had our third baby, moved, bought a VAN (that's proof of getting older right?) and in general started a new season of life. It's going to take some getting used to I think... sort of like how I'm sure it feels when your kids move out, start their lives individually.

Anyways, things at home are their crazy-speed-self, my doula and midwife-assistant work is still on hold for a while but I attended a VBAC birth for a set of friends we have just this past month (and it was powerful) - it was like the "fix" I needed to be able to continue to be in a 'break' for the rest of a year.

Our little one is turning 5 months on the 18th (OH MY GOSH!!) and I can't believe we're closing in on starting the second half of the first year - so much has changed and he is growing oh so fast. Our middle son has his third birthday at the end of this month and everyone is growing so much! He wasn't able to flip a light switch on in our house when we first moved here in August, but now he can not only switch them all on, but off as well, and barely standing on his tip toes... he's getting so obviously tall! He wears 4T pants (heck, our 4.5 year old wears 5T just fine, and probably needs them to be a bit bigger but he's so skinny in the waist we can't do that very often). Our family is just continuing to grow up.

Baby crying, better go.

And here we are at almost 3 months old!!

Hmmm - can we call this "Calgon Take Me Away!!"?

Ah yes... food allergies, food intolerances, skin problems (rashes?), dairy free diets, colonoscopy, upper GI testing, balding, occult blood in the poop, thrush, pediatric appointments, gastroenterologist appointments, chiropractic appointments, medications GALORE and too many freaking problems and issues to deal with!!!

Poor sweet baby is sick still - no light at the end of the tunnel still and I have been diary free for almost 2.5 weeks. He has a rash or skin issue all over his face, neck and part of his scalp and chest. I can't figure out why THAT is going on but we think perhaps a reaction to his medications. Bah! We've got occult (not visible, but testable) blood in his stools - it stains his diapers, and is a sign of at least intestinal/stomach problems at the minimum. He screams for hours at odd times of the day, randomly. He has thrush (and so do I) bad enough that I have a yeast infection in my milk ducts.

Weird eating, medications coming out of my eyeballs and screaming baby - it is just too much and I'm just... up to "here" with it all. :sigh: I have to have some light here soon... or truly this will probalby be our last little Bean - because this seems to be an issue I have with each little one and I feel like I almost get FURTHER from a solution rather than closer, with each one. I'm pretty sure it's a milk-making issue my body has rather than them. :sigh: :sigh: :sigh:

Sorry this is depressing... we just need to get some good news soon.

The struggle with learning to be a Mom with a newborn... again

No sleep. Foggy head. Aching boobs (sorry, they are). Concerns with tummy troubles and planning my day in 2 hour chunks - it's what it's all about right? Seems to be!

I took Graysen to the chiropractor twice now to see if we could help his tummy troubles (since the medicine for both reflux and IBS stuff has only marginally helped) and what do you know - it did it. I am shocked, and relieved and... blessed. No more screaming at the top of the lungs in pain - now just with diaper changes (and I'm okay with that). Still fussing with burping, but not absolute screaming. WHAT A RELIEF.

Third baby with these symptoms, medicines and troubles - how I got shot with that arrow three times running I'll *never* know, but oh well... such is life. At least I know to do something for him and not wait. On that note though, his pediatricians couldn't be more useless if they tried. The lactation consultant was more helpful re: what was going on than they were!! The world (well, America) is just not used to breastfed babies and their suggestions to help the breastfed baby suck.

SO, Graysen and I are marching along in our nursing relationship with a chunky man on one end, and a tired Mom on the other - but I love feeding my kiddos and watching them grow and be healthy and happy. I wouldn't change it though I WOULD like a chunk of sleep longer than 2.5 hours... but maybe soon? I seem to remember 5w is the magic number. We shall see.

Tired head included, we are doing well.

New Baby Love!

Our newest baby love was born Aug. 18th - at home, totally unassisted (with my Honey) and powerfully, restoratively into our arms. Shockingly it was a BOY (ack! I am soooo outnumbered!) and was a beautiful whopping 9lb 12oz.


Here is our very long birth story for those who love them like I do. : )
It ended up being a perfect (though an overwhelming at times) experience for sure, I was just along for the ride.

On Wed.. and Thurs. nights I didn't sleep very well and while that's pretty normal, it was because I was feeling contractions and cramping and I slept fitfully most of the night. When I woke up on Thurs. instead of the night stuff going away I kept getting the strong Braxton Hicks - but they were sometimes every hour or what not... they didn't even get me to look at the clock once all day. I took a shower in the afternoon and checked myself just for kicks and for the first time my cervix was posterior, and I could tell it was dilated much more than before. Maybe 4cm? I have no idea, but that was my best guess.

After we had dinner and put the boys down I called our doula just because I thought I should give her a heads up in case we went into labor that night... or maybe Sat. I had a feeling it would be soon and since I knew she had to do something with her daughter I wanted to give her some time to figure that out and give her "on call" people a heads up just in case. I hung up around 9:15 and in the course of our 30 min. conversation maybe had two strong BH's - but I was sitting and figured that's why.

We got ready for bed and went downstairs (I made my husband get off the computer b/c I told him that if labor got going in a few hours and he had no sleep and worked all day and had to stay awake with me the next day - he'd be crabby). We thought we'd have sex and see if that maybe helped things along while we were sleeping. About 5 min. later I had a MONSTER contraction... it lasted 4 minutes straight and I had to walk and walk to get through it - breathing really loud. I was shocked and kind of looked at my husband with wide eyes. Yikes! I told him maybe no sex after all. We laid down to go to sleep and 2 min. later another contraction (but this one only 45 sec.), again, I had to walk and breathe to get through it. We started setting up our labor stuff and I took some Gelsimium and Sepia... but we held off on filling the pool. It was 10:30pm.

It took about an hour for us to get all the things set up and figured out in the room so that it was 'ready' totally... in the meantime I'd have to pace and breathe (fast and loud) through each contraction and they were getting closer together... now maybe 1.5 min. apart and a minute long. I was getting nervous at how strong they were - toe-curling strong, and still so early!! I had time to get upstairs and post a message on my unassisted message board, and try to get a sheet to cover the bed. I had one contraction that had me say to my husband, "These are FRICKIN' FRICKIN' strong! Oww!" and the next one was about 30 seconds later and actually brought me to my knees and I cried through the end of it. Oh my gosh... I didn't have anything else to do to help them, they were so strong and hurt so much and I couldn't ease them even a little bit! I needed our doula to come before too long, I was hoping she'd have some idea I wasn't thinking of so I could work through these ctx! (my husband had one hot water tank full into the tub by now and was turning off the cold when I asked him to call her). She said she'd be here in 15 min. and I asked him to call our emergency-back-up-midwife who said she'd be on her way. (You should have heard him talking to them, "Well... I don't know if you want to keep sleeping maybe, or maybe come... but..." while I'm practically howling in the background).

I washed my hands in the kitchen after that last wicked ctx. because I wanted to check myself at the next point I could. I grabbed my husband when he walked in during my next ctx and held on to his forearms for dear life and just held on through the ctx to my sanity best I could. I checked myself as soon as it was done and could feel the baby's head and bag - maybe about 4" of it just inside - and I was thinking... "OH MY GOSH", I knew it wouldn't be long. It was another 30 seconds and I had another hard ctx and we went downstairs as soon as that was done (I was afraid of my water breaking on my new carpet... priorities right? ; )). I had one more ctx outside the tub and made myself look my husband in the eye to keep grounded, I was feeling so out of control and a little scared with how much it all hurt. He kept telling me I could do it and was so strong.

I climbed into the tub and tried squatting but I had to stand up for the next ctx - but that's all she wrote because with the next one I decided to maybe try to push a little... there was so much pressure... and when I did, I felt baby's head move down and I kept pushing. Our doula showed up and started videotaping... I grabbed my husband's hand inbetween the ctx and brought it down so he could feel baby's head and bag too and with the next ctx (still kneeling with a leg up in the tub holding onto his forearms) I pushed, felt my water break and his head come out. I felt his head... I thought initially his ear was maybe a hand but that's because his head felt so big. I couldn't feel a cord or anything but he was sitting there a little long and I was getting nervous so I tried to push without a ctx but of course it didn't do anything so I waited. Next real ctx and I pushed... nothing, deep breath and another push and he came out. I pulled him out of the water and he made a little cry and then just was in my arms. I got a towel and rubbed his back a little, wiped his face and checked his tone a tiny bit - he made a squeek and then howled. I checked and it was a boy (I checked 2 more times in the tub because I couldn't believe it)! 5 minutes our doula had been there!!

I stayed in the tub about 15 more minutes and then was going to get out but felt the placenta too low so I pushed that out first and then we got out. Almost no bleeding and I felt GREAT!! We were out of the tub about 20 minutes when our emergency-back-up-midwife came in... we cut the now-totally-limp cord (yay for getting that for one of my kiddos finally!) and I nursed (he was finally interested). I tore just about 1/2" at the bottom but nothing into my vagina or any skid marks - not bad! We weighed him (9lb 12oz), measured him (22 in., 33 1/4cm, 33 5/8cm chest) and that was that.

I was in shock at the speed, the intensity, my general lack of fear, that it was a boy, that he was here and that we did it totally alone after all.

My husband did amazing... he ended up telling me later that with the lack of others to fill places, he felt comfortable finding his own. He had felt totally encouraged by our doula's meeting with us... she told him to call the shots and she would fill in where she needed to. He just needed an extra dose of confidence I guess and just did his thing. He said at one point he got a bit nervous but it was at the point that it felt the wildest for me so he held it together. He said it wasn't scary even when we were totally alone and the baby was coming. I can't tell you how healing this all was for the both of us. It was awesome.

We named him the next day... Graysen Wolf

The dance of the end of pregnancy

It is, undoubtedly, the most unstable I am emotionally all through pregnancy. I know in my head all sorts of facts (that babies finish the final and important touches at the end of pg, it's THEIR bodies that set your body into labor and they know best when they are ready, that the day they choose and such will make a lifetime effect and no reason to mess with that what so ever, most babies are born within a week on either side of their due date (for non-first-time-Moms), etc.) but my heart and mind struggle to be patient. I am only now 37w and 5d, by actual due date is the 28th... but my second son was born at 38w 0d and my first son was born at 39w 2d (or 38w 2d whichever date you use, I had 2 due dates). Obviously I am not used to waiting very long toward the end. This pregnancy has me measuring 3w ahead so that means I'm measuring past 40w... and that is not comfortable. I also am not sleeping more than 2 hour stretches at night, my boys are acting realllly naughty (my oldest did this last time a few weeks before baby was born, I swear he could sense a change was coming) and generally I'm emotionally fragile and keep feeling discouraged.

I don't know how you get perspective knowing that even a few days will pass quickly - the way each hours feels - but I need to do that. I'm trying hard and praying a lot. :sigh: Hope my next post will be a birth announcement.